The Replacements
by Nine of Swords
Summary: Since when is Dalamar a physics major from Kalamazoo and Raistlin an addled blond wearing generic khakis? A selfinsertion like you've never seen before... Rated T for language.
1. Come on! It'll be fun!

DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance to any real people is a coincidence. Unless you're Kati or Alex. Hi Kati! Hi Alex! I love you! Um… I don't own Dragonlance.

* * *

"Hey, Xan, are you alright?" Kelly asked her roommate.

"No, I'm not." She snapped. "My physics class is running me into the ground. My E string snapped again and I don't have enough money to replace it. Someone hit me on the elbow in a sabre duel, and I can't move my arm without it screaming in pain!"

"This is you saying you want to be left alone, isn't it?"

"Score three points for the genius." Xan collapsed on her bed.

Kelly discreetly left the room, leaving Xan to seethe. Life just… annoyed her here. And the worst part was that she didn't have Zack.

It wasn't like they'd ever dated, but she was closer to Zack than any other person she'd ever known. They were both incredibly alike and incredibly unalike… he'd been described as her evil twin, she'd been described as his evil twin. They'd never been sure which was which.

Although she was still emotionally close to the rascal, she was physically far away. She was at a small liberal arts college in Michigan, and he was at Duke University, two thousand miles south. And it was Monday. She couldn't call for another five days. Life generally sucked.

Of course, she couldn't know what was about to happen.

* * *

"Good morning, replacement Dalamar!"

"Wha?" she rolled over, realizing she was on a stone floor. "Where am I?"

"You are in the Tower of High Sorcery, Palanthas." The voice said. "You are Dalamar's understudy."

"And… what? I've got to be having the weirdest dream in the history of history…"

"Come along, you have to meet Raistlin's understudy." The voice said.

"Wait a minute- why are you calling me Dalamar's understudy?"

"Because you are. Didn't you read the contract? 'In event of the incapacitation or disappearance of the usual Dalamar, the understudy Dalamar will assume the identity of Dalamar and take on all of his duties.'"

"What contract?" She demanded. "When did I sign a contract?"

"Oh… well, actually, you didn't sign the contract. You see, we contracted with Ashlee Simpson, but she's making a movie and can't come. Then we heard Hilary Duff had dyed her hair black, but it turns out it was just a wig. Next, we went to Amy Lee, but she was too busy being talented. Britney Spears was pregnant, and Shakira's out because we don't speak Spanish… and Cher's just Cher. So you're the backup of the backup of the backup of the backup of the backup of the backup of the backup of Dalamar."

"Should I just give up and go insane now?"

"No, that's part of Raistlin's understudy's duties."

"Who's Raistlin's understudy?"

"Well, first we went to Pamela Anderson, but she was too busy divulging her life story to tabloids. Then we tried Jessica Simpson, but she would only do it if we hired Nick as Crysania… no way was that happening! Johnny Rzenik seemed good for the part, but his hair was too cool. Kevin Cronin was too busy calling Gary Richrath an alcoholic, but we thought we'd hit something with Paris Hilton, until the sex tape scandal broke. We then tried to use Paris Hilton's dog, but he got eaten by the Live Ones…"

"OK, explain something to me. First, who's 'we'. Second, who's the replacement Raistlin?"

"Oh, we're the OKCA."

"OK California?"

"No! The Official Krynn Casting Agency!" the disembodied voice insisted. "And the replacement Raistlin is this guy we picked up off the streets of Raleigh."

In the next room, she saw a black-robed figure. "So, the replacement Dalamar is here. Did you try getting Lindsay Lohan?"

"She dyed her hair blonde." The OKCA voice said. "We grabbed some chick from Kalamazoo."

"Kalamazoo? By any chance, do you know-"

"Xan Johansen?"

"What-" The replacement Raistlin turned around. "Xan! You're the replacement Dalamar?"

"Zack!" She grinned. "What are you doing here?"

"I woke up here. They told me I was the replacement Raistlin." He brandished the Staff of Magius. "However, I can't pronounce the command words right. _Shirak!_"

A large tub fell from the sky somewhere over Solamnia, covering a knight in custard.

"Ah well. Nothing happened." Zack shrugged. "You'll have to put on robes. Get in character, you know?"

"Wait just a minute. What kind of weird dream is this? I'm on Krynn, my best friend is pretending to be Raistlin, the Live Ones are fighting over a pink-sequined Chihuahua carcass, and there's an angry Solamnic knight outside covered in custard!"

"Come on, replacement Dalamar!" The OKCA voice says. "It'll be fun!"

"That's what they always say…" Xan put on the robes and grumbled unhappily.


	2. You're not a Spectral Guardian!

Nine's Notes:

Darkhymns: It's supposed to be odd... I'll change it to humor/parody.

Dalamar Nightson: If you look carefully, you'll see little clues that tell you they have some idea what's going on- for example, Zack knowing that _Shirak_ is supposed to activate the Staff of Magius.

Both: Oh, you don't have to worry about Zack or Xan going Mary-Sue. But, actually, they show up in the third paragraph of this chapter!

DISCLAIMER: Kati and Alex are the only real people with the right to be offended by characters. Dragonlance isn't mine.

* * *

Zack was still trying to make the Staff of Magius work.

That would explain the growing crowd of custard-covered Solamnics outside of the Shoikan Grove.

"Enough of the Solamnics, back to me!" Zack snapped. "I'm the replacement Raistlin, remember! I'm supposed to be the all-powerful mage, with Mary-Sues swooning over me every time I so much as take a breath!"

"Oh, and you're complaining?" Xan slammed the door on a few hundred girls.

"DALLY!" The high-pitched screaming and fawning could be heard behind the door.

"Zack! Can't you, I don't know, send in the spectral guardians?"

"I'll try… um… here spectral guardian spectral guardian spectral guardian! Nice undead spirit!"

A man in an oil-stained jumpsuit opened the other door and walked in. He began to read the script in his hands stiffly. "I am the spectral guardian. What is your wish, my master?"

"Wait a minute!" Xan said. "You're not a spectral guardian! You're an airplane mechanic!"

"What was I supposed to do? Northwest was going to cut my pay! I needed to find a second job!" the hapless mechanic exclaimed.

"Um… I have no idea what to do." Zack said.

"What my _shalafi_ means is that he wants you to go scare those fangirls out there!" Xan pointed to the door.

"Er… what's a _shalafi_?" The mechanic began flipping through his Krynnese-English dictionary.

"It doesn't matter! Just go scare them off because I said so!"

"Geez, talk about workplace domination. Well, at least I get benefits…" The mechanic walked out the door and into the horde of fangirls. Xan sprinted over and shoved the door closed. "I am the spectral guardian. Boo."

There was a stampeding noise, and Xan gasped. "Oh no…"

The fangirls stormed into the room.

"Who are you?"

"Me?" Zack said. "Apparently, I'm Raistlin Majere!"

"Wow, looking good, Raistlin…"

"Thank you, ladies." Zack stood. "Did you want to… ask me something?"

"Yeah! Where's Dalamar?"

"Curses! Foiled again!" Zack stalked out of the room, stopping at the flattened mechanic in the hall. "I'm canceling your chiropractic."

"NO!" The mechanic gave a blood-curdling cry.

----

"That was close." Xan sighed as she scrambled onto the roof. "I wonder how the real Dalamar handles all of this…" she looked out onto the horizon. "Hmm, where did that custard-covered Solamnic army come from? At least the Shoikan Grove is holding them at bay- Wait a minute! Why didn't the Shoikan Grove hold those fangirls at bay?"

---

Earlier, in the Shoikan Grove…

"I don't care how much your budget's been affected by the recent wars!" the leader of the Undead Guardian Union, Shoikan Division, shouted. "We want chiropractic!"

"You're undead! Why do you need chiropractic?" Raistlin yelled back, exasperated.

"Undead discrimination! Strike! Strike!" The undead spirits ran to their picket lines.

Raistlin snarled. "Well, at least I can cast a spell to keep massive armies of custard-covered Solamnic Knights from entering the grove! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

---

"It still doesn't make any sense." Xan shook her head. "Well, it is a nice view up here. Palanthas is pretty in the morning light… wait a minute. Light reminds me of light speed reminds me of objects moving near light speed reminds me of relativity reminds me I HAVE A PHYSICS CLASS TO PASS!" She began to cry in exasperation.

"Eek!" Zack shrieked and scrambled onto the roof next to her. "The Raistlin fangirls were late."

"I never thought I'd see the day when Raistlin Majere wore a Duke t-shirt and generic khaki pants."

"They tore souvenirs out of my robe." He shrugged. "Why were you crying?"

"I need to study for my physics class! I can't do that when I'm besieged by fangirls on top of a Tower in Krynn!"

"We could sneak out of the Shoikan Grove."

"Then the custard-covered Solamnics would get us!"

"I'll think of something. I'm the brutally intelligent and narcissistic one, after all."

"Hey! I'm the unassuming genius who's secretly spying on you for Par-Salian _and_ using you to advance my own power!"

"How dare you!" Zack brandished the Staff of Magius. "Um…_ Shirak!_"

Another custard-covered Solamnic joined the army.

"Fine… just give me a minute to come up with a spell…"

"Um, Zack, I think we don't have a minute!" Xan kicked a grappling hook down. "_iay eednay aay eallyray eatgray ellspay otay etgay outay ofay erehay!_"

Zack and Xan were suddenly in the middle of nowhere.

"What did you say, ignorant apprentice?"

"I just said, 'I need a really great spell to get out of here' in Pig Latin!"

"The middle of nowhere is very dark." Zack said.

"You're the one with the staff that glows." Xan shrugged.

"_Shirak!_"

Sturm Brightblade flung the tub off of his head and tried to wring the custard out of his moustaches as he walked over to them.

"You! You wield Raistlin's staff, yet you are not he!"

"Oh, me? I'm the backup Raistlin after Paris Hilton's dog." Zack said. "This is the backup Dalamar after Cher."

"Oh. Nice to… meet you?" Sturm looked confused.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" Xan asked.

"Oh. Right." Sturm died.

"What a shame. To die with the indignity of being covered in custard." Zack said. "Return this man to Huma's breast, blah-blah-blah, Solamnics think they're all that, I like cheese, Amen, mazeltov!"

"Backup Raistlin, I think we need to find the real Raistlin before something else goes wrong." Xan said.

"Alright, backup Dalamar!" Zack said, then was distracted by a shiny rock. "I think this rock has whimsy in it!"

"Wherever Raistlin is, he's probably being embarrassed for you." Xan grabbed Zack's arm. "Come on. Let's go."

And so "Dalamar" the Chick from Kalamazoo and "Raistlin Majere" (in a Duke t-shirt and generic khakis) continued through the middle of nowhere.


	3. Holy Jimmy Hoffa, Dalamar!

Dalamar Nightson: Thanks! I really enjoyed writing those parts. The prayer came down to that I was too lazy to go look up the proper prayer, then I realized Zack would be too... so, improvization!

DISCLAIMER: We laughed and cried and then we said, "Nine doesn't own Dragonlance".

---

Dalamar was dragging Raistlin by the arm through the middle of nowhere.

Well, actually, it was the replacement Dalamar, Xan the chick from Kalamazoo, and the replacement Raistlin, some schmuck named Zack.

"When do we get to the edge of nowhere?" Xan whined. "I left the tower so I could study physics! Not keep you under control!"

"It was your spell that brought us to the middle of nowhere!" Zack snapped.

"Well, all you did was dump tubs of custard on Solamnic Knights!" Xan snapped back. "Who's been more effective so far?"

"I'm the Master of Past and Present!"

"No, you're his understudy!"

"_Shir-_"

"No! Don't do it!"

"_ak._"

"I am not amused." Lord Soth wiped the custard from his armor with what looked like a piece of a rotting shroud.

"I told you not to do it!" Xan insisted. "Run!"

"Wait. Who are you?" The death knight asked.

"Oh, I'm the replacement Raistlin."

"Then… where's the real Raistlin?"

"I'm trying to find out while dragging him behind me!" Xan exclaimed.

"And who are you?"

"She's Dalamar's replacement." Zack said. "Would you like some soda?" He pulled out a can of soda from inside a pocket of his generic khakis.

"Where'd you get that from?" Xan asked.

"Don't you keep emergency cans of soda in your pockets in case you're called off of your plane to replace a fictional character?"

"Why are you acting like this is completely normal?" Xan dropped to her knees in frustration.

Lord Soth drank some of the root beer.

"He's distracted! Run!" Xan leapt to her feet and ran.

"Huh?" Zack said.

Xan ran back and grabbed his wrist. "_etgay usay arfay awayay omfray erehay!_"

They reappeared in the middle of the army of custard-covered Solamnics. "Oops."

"Who are they?" Derek Crownguard demanded.

"You're supposed to be dead!" Xan exclaimed.

"Oh. Right." Derek died.

"Zack! Stop resurrecting Solamnic Knights and dumping tubs of custard on their heads!" Xan ordered.

"I'm confused…" A random Knight of the Sword said.

"Hi!" Zack waved cheerily. "I'm Raistlin Majere, and this is Dalamar Nightson!"

"They're black-robed mages!"

"As much should have been obvious… I'm wearing black robes." Xan said.

"But he's wearing generic khakis and a t-shirt that says 'Duke' on it!"

"That's because fangirls tore my robes to shreds last chapter!" Zack said. "Um… fear my wrath?"

The first line of Solamnics drew their swords.

"RUN!" Xan grabbed Zack's wrist.

"Goodbye! See you later!" Zack waved to the custard-covered Solamnics.

* * *

"Good, we lost them." Xan breathed a sigh of relief.

"Lost who?" Zack asked.

"For God's sake, you're oblivi-" Xan stopped speaking and suddenly began to shake.

"Xan? I'm oblivi-what?"

For the first time in a long time, Realization snuck up behind Zack and hit him with a brick. (Realization may be to blame for most of his mental problems, but that's irrelevant…)

"Holy Jimmy Hoffa, Dalamar!" he exclaimed. "We've crossed the picket lines!"

"Why aren't _you_ afraid?" the first undead guardian waved his sign- it read "End Undead Discrimination!"- at Zack.

"He's… oblivious…" Xan was curled up in the fetal position on the ground, quivering. "Doesn't… understand… fear…"

"Fear me!" The guardian bellowed. Xan continued to quiver, but Zack only raised an eyebrow.

"So, um, proletariat undead, why are you on strike?" Zack asked nonchalantly. "Do you want a soda?"

"What's a soda?"

"Oh, I thought the undead liked soda. At least Lord Soth did." Zack shrugged. "So, about that labor dispute?"

"In our negotiations, Raistlin Majere was discriminating against the undead! He refused to give us chiropractic."

"Undead… need… chiropractic?" Xan lifted her head slightly, then dropped back down into the fetal position.

"Well, I'm the replacement Raistlin, so I guess I'm qualified to settle his labor disputes." Zack said. "You can have the Northwest mechanic's chiropractic. I took it away from him in the second chapter."

"Does that mean we have to go back to the Grove?" one of the spirits whined.

"Who's complaining? We get chiropractic!" The undead threw down their signs and stampeded back into the Shoikan Grove.

Xan stood up. "OK, I suppose you've redeemed yourself, replacement Raistlin."

"I wonder if Dalamar and Raistlin are incapacitated, or just missing?"

"We're in Palanthas! We can go to the library and ask Astinus!"

_

* * *

This day, as above Afterwatch hour falling 30, Bertrem entered my study._

"Haven't I written this before? Astinus frowned.

"Master…"

_This day, as above Restful Hour climbing 29, Bertrem spoke._

"Raistlin Majere and Dalamar Nightson are here… but they are changed."

"Send them in."

_This day, as above Restful Hour climbing 27, Raistlin Majere and Dalamar Nightson entered my study._

"Yes, I know you broke the undead strike!" Xan snapped, dragging Zack into the room. "But for God's sake, it was nothing impressive!"

"You were the one curled up in the fetal position quivering before them in fear!"

"Excuse me, Raistlin, Dalamar, if you have anything to discuss with me, volumes are passing by-"

"In a nutshell, I went to sleep in my bed, in Kalamazoo, and woke up in the Tower, and everyone's calling me Dalamar!" Xan said. "I have no idea what's going on, and even worse, my best friend-" she gestured to Zack- "is being called Raistlin, and he's so incompetent that every time he tries to use that staff of his, a random Solamnic knight gets a tub of custard dumped on their head!"

"I'd wondered why he was suddenly blond, blue-eyed, and wearing generic khakis."

_On this day as above Restful Hour climbing 22, I explained the principle of replacement to-_

"I'd forgotten to get your normal names."

"Xan Johansen." She said. "He's Zack Tyler."

"Thank you."

_On this day as above Restful Hour climbing 20, I explained the principle of replacement to Xan Johansen of Kalamazoo, replacement Dalamar, and Zack Tyler, replacement Raistlin._

"You see, Raistlin and Dalamar are two nexus points in the universe of Krynn. Without these nexus points, the very fabric of reality falls apart. So, when these nexus points leave the plane, we have to replace them, or… well, really bad things happen. I'm sorry you weren't notified beforehand, but…"

"Thanks… do you have any idea where the real Raistlin and Dalamar are? I have a physics class to study for."

_On this day as above Restful Hour climbing 15, I lied to Xan Johansen and Zack Tyler_.

"They disappeared without notice." Astinus said. "That's why we had to settle for you… although you do seem suited in personality to the roles."

"Except for the three-pound box of screws Zack's got loose…"

"Let's conquer something!" Zack suddenly said.

"My advice is to humor him."

Xan sighed. "Yes, _shalafi_…"

_On this day as above Restful Hour climbing 13, Raistlin Majere and Dalamar Nightson left my study._


	4. I hate RaistDalamar slash, but SAVE ME!

Super-size Nine's Notes (with fries!):

Scribbles Editor: Yes, root beer is the best, but not the kind Zack had. How do I know? Because the only good root beer comes in bottles.

Dalamar Nightson: It's good to know that my sense of comic timing is progressing. I need to start writing David-Ives-esque stage plays!

_The Replacements_, as well as _Lux et Veritas_, will be on hiatus whilst I am on a lovely SCUBA vacation in Florida. Feynman will likely remain at home, but if I have paper and roughly eight free travel hours (between planes and traveling to dive sites), my astounding powers of 70 WPM will have at least one new chapter for both up on Wednesday.

Public Service Announcement- go learn to dive. It's the most fun physical activity ever, there's so little actual exertion that Raistlin could do it (that is, until he hacks up blood into the regulator), and it burns calories like crazy. Like crazy being defined as "eating real fast food without guilt".

Also, I'm neutral about Raistlin/Dalamar slash. If the portrayal's good (i.e. Skull Bearer) I like. If the portrayal's bad, I'm known to immolate, taking the fic with me. So don't stone me.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Dragonlance.

* * *

"So, um, er, _shalafi_…" Xan was still not used to being Dalamar. It also didn't help that 'Raistlin' was actually her slightly addled friend Zack, who Realization had hit on the back of the head a few too many times. "Where did you say we were going?"

"To conquer something! MUAHAHAHA!" For some reason, the evil laugh didn't work coming from a blond college freshman wearing generic khakis.

"Yes, _shalafi_…" Xan pulled up the hood of her mage robes. She made a far more credible Dalamar when she was concealed beneath the black velvet- even if it was dreadfully hot.

Why they'd chosen her to be the replacement Dalamar, she had no idea. She was a college student from Kalamazoo! A fencer, a fighter, an intellectual- and a woman! The fighter's spirit and intellectual nature did make her feel close to Dalamar. But you'd never see Dalamar wielding a rapier with the sheer beauty and precision she put into her epee work.

"Do you have any idea what we're going to conquer?"

"No."

Xan sighed, then whispered, "_Aketay ustay otay aay aceply orfay imhay otay onquercay._" She had no idea how Dalamar used magic, but speaking in Pig Latin seemed to have magical effects.

They zipped out of existence and back in again.

"That- is perfect!" Zack exclaimed, brandishing the Staff of Magius.

Xan looked down over the ledge. "We're conquering _this_?"

"Why not? It looks really pathetic, so it'll be a great warm-up! And it's already half-destroyed!"

"I do not believe I'm doing this…" Xan shook her head. "Yes, _shalafi_."

She had read enough Dragonlance to know what she was doing. She was descending into the ruins of the ruins of Xak Tsaroth. She also knew that, if anything had survived, they'd be in trouble. "_Iay ishway Iay adhay aay apierray._" She held the rapier solidly in her hand. "Zack, conjure up a weapon or something-"

He leapt off the ridge. "Damnit! He can't use the staff-"

"Dalamar! Get down here now!"

"Oh, I didn't know that the featherfall power was automatic." Xan shrugged. "_Fvtherfall!_" she'd somehow known that was the right incantation, so she landed lightly next to Zack.

"Dalamar, where did you get that rapier?" The OKCA voice came out of nowhere.

"I magicked it up." Xan said. "Problem?"

"Mages aren't proficient in the use of rapiers."

"Well, I am. And you tolerate him walking around acting like a complete idiot, totally out of character! At least I'm being wary and hyper-intelligent!"

"Um… er… shut up!"

"Right." Xan followed Zack into the ruins of the ruins of Xak Tsaroth.

The ruins of the ruins seemed empty and damp.

"Wow! This place will be so easy to conquer! It's empty and damp!" Zack exclaimed.

He walked on, but Xan stopped. "_Shalafi_… I think you're going to want to see this…"

"Stop talking! I'm more powerful than you!"

"But _shalafi_…"

"I'm not listening…"

Xan frowned. She knew what she saw- fresh footprints. Small, fresh footprints. She held her rapier at the ready.

She'd only turned away for a moment when she heard a blood-curdling scream.

"_Shalafi_!" Taking her rapier in hand, she ran forward. She brandished the slender blade, and laughed, but was not surprised, to see a gully dwarf clinging to the leg of Zack's generic khakis.

"OK, you wretch, let go of me before my apprentice runs you through!" Zack swatted at the creature with the Staff of Magius.

The gully dwarf seemed oblivious to the fact that Xan's rapier's point was resting on her stomach just above the kidneys. "Pretty man came back!"

"Gods, don't tell me this is-"

"Bupu missed you so much!"

"Xan, now is a great time for the running through thing…"

Xan laughed. "Now who's more powerful?"

"I swear, I'm going to figure out how Raistlin cast that spell on Dalamar that imprinted his hand in his chest and do it to you!" Zack snapped. "That is, as soon as I get this thing off of me!" He began to shake his leg vigorously.

"Hi there!" Xan bent down. "My name's normally Xan, but for now you should call me Dalamar."

"You have pretty sword."

"Thank you, I conjured it up myself." Xan said. "You're Bupu, right?"

"Yes!" the gully dwarf wrapped around Zack's leg said. "Pretty man look better. Lizard cure works every time!"

"Lizard cure?" Zack looked confused. This wasn't very far from his normal expression.

Xan coughed, "Don't ask."

"Dalamar sick?" the gully dwarf, somehow not letting go of Zack's leg, pulled a mummified lizard out of a ratty bag. "Wear around neck. Make cough better."

"Er… no thanks… just had something stuck in my throat…" Xan looked like she might lose her lunch.

"Get this thing off me!" Zack wailed.

"Me take you to see Highbulp!" Bupu said. "Will be happy to see pretty man and Dalamar!"

"Yeah, but will we be happy to see him?"

Bupu ignored Xan and dragged Zack along by the leg of his generic khakis.

He turned around and gave her a pleading look. "Please don't leave me alone with this thing!"

"Admit my superiority!"

"Never!"

"Have fun with the Highbulp…"

"_akemay alamarday ollowfay emay_!"

"I hate you." Xan growled as the spell compelled her to follow.

"Now who's superior?" Zack laughed.

"Why don't you cast a spell to make the gully dwarf leave you alone, then?"

"_akemay upubay eavelay emay aloneay!_"

Zack was blasted backwards, colliding with Xan.

"What the hell-"

"The real Raistlin cast the charming spell that made her act like this. I don't think we're able to break it!"

"Is pretty man alright?"

"I'll be alright as soon as you leave me alone!" Zack said under his breath.

The gully dwarf dragged them through the ruins until they reached a structure that should have been condemned fifteen years before the real Dalamar was born. "Remember Highbulp's palace, pretty man?"

Zack made a non-committal noise.

"Is better! We took shiny rocks from dragon! Very pretty! Now wait here, in Waiting Place! I will go get Highbulp!"

The gully dwarf went up to the door, and after some argument about how many times she'd knocked, was allowed to enter.

"I don't like this." Zack said.

"I like it no better." Xan replied. "Let's get some spells ready that won't interfere with the spell the real Raistlin cast on Bupu."

"I wish we were back in the Tower?"

"That won't help us find Raistlin or Dalamar. Why not, 'Bring to me a dragon'?"

"Bring to me Cyan Bloodbane!" Zack giggled. "Why not?"

"That's not bad…" Xan nodded approvingly. Then, she turned her head. "_opstay upay atthay olehay!_"

"Your eyes are better than mine." Zack said. "I didn't see that hole until you stopped it up."

"We'll be called in soon." Xan pulled up her hood. "_ivegay ackZay aay ewnay etsay ofay obesray._"

The black velvet swirled around Zack's body. "Very nice. Less obvious than generic khakis." He pulled up his own hood.

"So, now who's superior?"

"I'm still the Master of Past and Present!"

"No! You're still his understudy!"

"Highbulp will see you now!" Bupu poked her head out of the door.

As soon as she entered, Xan dropped her rapier and clapped her hands over her eyes. "This is a travesty!"

"Thank you!" The Highbulp said.

"Thank Nuitari for small vocabularies." Zack said. "Yeah, it's me, Raistlin Majere. I came to conquer your pathetic excuse for a city!"

"Bupu said you came to be with her forever!"

"No! I never said that!" Zack panicked.

"No trust you." The Highbulp said. "Trust Bupu. You will be with her forever? Yes? Anyone say no?"

"Apprentice! I hate Raistlin/Dalamar slash, but… SAVE ME!"

Xan snatched up her rapier and ran through the carpet of gemstones. "I object!"

"Great, now what are you going to do?"

"He's mine." She stood between Zack and the gully dwarves, thinking, 'Thank God I took a theater class'. "Stand back, or else I'll blow this joint."

Bupu began to wail. "Not true! Pretty man mine!"

"I think you aren't convincing them…" Zack whispered in her ear.

Xan turned and delivered a full-on stage kiss.

"Believe me now?" Xan grinned wickedly. "_ingbray otay emay yancay oodbaneblay- anday armchay imhay!_"

The green dragon crashed through the room. "How may I be of service?"

"Get us the hell out of here!" Zack made a flying leap to the dragon's back, and Xan followed behind him.

The dragon flew off, leaving Bupu to become Krynn's first anti-gay protestor out of jealousy.

"Damn… my girlfriend will never let me hear the end of this."

"All you have to do is not tell her." Xan shrugged. "And since when do you have a girlfriend?"

"Recent development." Zack shrugged. "Her name's Christina- Chris for short- Aniya."

"Chris Aniya?" Xan raised an eyebrow. "That is the weirdest coincidence." She paused.

"You're about to say something, aren't you?"

"Wherever Raistlin and Dalamar are, they're definitely embarrassed for us now."


	5. I wonder if it'll be friends with me?

Nine's Notes:

Well, I never expected my hiatus to last for the entire first quarter. However, it's now done, so here's _The Replacements!_

---

In the ruins of the ruins of Xak Tsaroth, a very improbable creature cursed at Xan and Zack as they made their escape.

Just how improbable was this creature? It looked like the issue of a sphinx, a dragon, and a roc. It had leathery dragon wings, but also white-feathered roc wings. Its body was that of a lion, with the exception of its legs- the forelegs were dragon talons, the rear legs were that of a roc- and its human face had a rather distinctive bulbous nose.

His very existence was against all laws of biological inheritance, biochemistry, and biomedical physics. In fact, his very existence was 100 improbable. However, to the creature, that seemed almost normal.

You see, this creature was Deuce X. Machina, and he was a deus ex machina- the living embodiment of improbability. Deuce, as well as his sister Dulcimer X. Machina, was in charge of clearing away natural laws so that the improbable could happen. Some of their finest work had been done during Raistlin Majere's attempt to ascend to godhood- Dulcimer, in particular, had been responsible for manipulating Crysania's mind so that she believed Raistlin could be trusted, which was a level 7 improbability. Of course, in this little pocket of spacetime, it hadn't yet occurred, but the very improbability surrounding the deus ex machinas makes time arbitrary.

However, the level 7 improbability Dulcimer would iron out seemed as nothing to Deuce, particularly compared to what the two replacements were putting him through. The arrival of Cyan Bloodbane had been a level 9 improbability (99 improbable or greater), involving Transcendence of Free Will, Massive Alteration of Spacetime Position, and the Specific Creature Clause. In other words, it was damn close to impossible. What was even worse was that Dulcimer had just left for a two-week vacation in Tuscany, and Deuce was left to manage these incredible improbabilities on his own.

The way Deuce saw it, there was only one logical course of action. He had to find Raistlin and Dalamar and return them to Krynn.

Suddenly, his improbability sense tingled. Deuce spread his two sets of wings and flew after Cyan and the replacements. They were undoubtedly creating more improbabilities, and he had to iron them out.

---

"So, you two are replacements for Dalamar and Raistlin." Cyan said as he flew over the plains. "Who and what are you normally?"

"I'm normally Xan Johansen." She said. "I'm a physics student at Kalamazoo College, in Kalamazoo, Michigan."

"Damn it!" Cyan irritably snorted chlorine gas, which made Zack pass out onto Xan.

Xan shifted Zack's weight to a more comfortable point on her back, then asked, "What's wrong?"

"I made a bet with Skie that Kalamazoo wasn't a real place! Now I owe him five humans and a priceless star sapphire!" he groaned. "And why didn't you collapse from my breath weapon?"

"I had a summer job at a chem lab. Nothing seems bad after you get a sidestream of formaldehyde." She did her best to shrug with Zack weighing down her back. "I've got a plan, though. You give me that sapphire, and I'll say that I go to the University of Michigan."

"Not a bad plan…" Cyan nodded. "It's a deal. I never really liked sapphires anyway."

"Sweet! My tuition is now paid for!" Xan did a little dance, then realized that she shouldn't have been able to do so with Zack on her back, so she stopped. "So… where are you taking us?"

"I'll let you off at the edge of the plains." He said. "My schedule's packed, I barely managed to fit the time in to pick you two up."

Cyan offered Xan a PDA, and she took it. "Wow, you are busy… you're already running into your 'terrorize the populace' appointment." She handed it back. "We wouldn't want to keep you from that."

"If you want to revive the replacement Raistlin, I'll let you off outside of this forest." Cyan said. "Here."

He landed just outside of the forest, on top of a burrow of small mouse-like animals. This is widely credited with the sudden extinction of the extremely small remaining population of "small Krynnish mouse-like animals that live just outside of forests".

Zack fell off Cyan's back to the ground. "Ouch." He said. "The skylight's purple…"

"Oh good, he's back to normal." Xan said and leapt nimbly to the ground.

"Thank you! Have some root beer!" Zack offered Cyan a can of A+W.

"What? I take time out in my busy schedule to save you from a tribe of gully dwarves and you give me canned root beer?" Cyan looked insulted.

"What's wrong with canned root beer?" Zack raised an eyebrow, then opened the can and quaffed the root beer.

"Everyone knows that the best root beer is microbrewed and bottled!" the dragon exclaimed.

"Cyan, you are a dragon after my own heart." Xan said. "_ivegay yanCay aay ottlebay ofay IBCay ootray eerbay!_"

"Hmm, not bad." Cyan said approvingly, drinking the bottle of IBC. "If you're ever in Silvanesti, I demand tribute from a very nice little microbrewery there."

"Sorry, I don't think I'll be there." Xan shrugged. "The dark elf thing."

"Ah." Cyan moved his wings in a way that could only be described as shrugging. "Well, I'm late for my appointment. I'll get that sapphire to you later."

As the dragon lifted off, Zack raised an eyebrow and said, "Did that dragon have a BlackBerry?"

"Yeah." Xan said. "Kind of pathetic. He's on a fantasy world and he has a better PDA than I do."

"I don't even have a PDA, and I'm a member of the bourgeois!" Zack whined.

"That's because the intelligentsia are the coolest! And don't argue, what do you think mages are?"

"So that's why you're Dalamar! Both of you moved from the proletariat to the intelligentsia!"

"Yeah, but you just became more of a bourgeois pig!"

"Proletariat scum!"

"Intelligentsia!"

"When did we wander into this really evil-looking tree-y place?" Zack asked.

Xan hid behind him. "Bastard! He let us off outside of Darken Wood!"

"Shirak!" Zack lifted the Staff in the air. Astoundingly, it actually lit up. "Yes! I become more superior by the moment!"

"No more custard." Xan said, relieved. "But you're still not superior."

"Oh really?"

"I dare you to try and prove otherwise."

"I'll… I'll…" Zack suddenly stopped. "I'm bored." He threw a _lightning bolt_, which killed a few hundred thousand airborne bacteria. "OK, back to the power struggle! Er… Xan… I said back to the power struggle…"

By this time, Xan had been quivering on the forest floor for three minutes. "Undead… guardians… fear… aura…"

"Oh." Zack looked around at the gathering undead guardians. "Hello. My name's Raistlin. How are you today?"

"Raistlin?" The undead guardians stopped. "You look different."

"I like what you've done with your hair!"

"Oh good, your eyes are back to normal. They were kind of creepy."

"Wow, I wish my moisturizer would do such a good job getting rid of shine…"

"I feel flattered, thanks." Zack preened.

"Why are you giving off an intense aura of evil?"

"They're wearing Black Robes, you idiot! They ARE evil!"

The undead guardians surrounded them, glaring at them threateningly.

"Eep." Zack said.

---

A smartly dressed human stood in front of a green screen in a TV studio. "Can we please finish this up? My sister's husband's cousin's dog's birthday is today…"

"Be patient, Mr. Howe." The director said. "The Knights of Solamnia are paying both of us handsomely for this, remember."

"Right." The lawyer straightened his tie and took a deep breath.

"And… ACTION!"

"Attention all Knights of Solamnia. Has your armor been damaged by the recent epidemic of falling custard? Have you suffered emotional trauma?" The lawyer said. "There is a class-action lawsuit established against Raistlin Majere. If you are a Knight of Solamnia and have been effected by the falling custard, send word to the Law Firm of Wee, Cheetum, and Howe in the lordcity of Palanthas."

"CUT!" The director shouted. "Wonderful! I'll just get this edited, and it'll be on the airwaves by morning."

One of the grips looked up. "Wait a minute. Since when do we have TV on Krynn?"

---

Zack stood over Xan. It wasn't out of any desire to protect her- it was simply because there really was nowhere else to stand.

"Why couldn't I be Par-Salian's replacement?" Zack whined.

Xan made a whimpering noise.

"Alright, besides the fact that I'm an evil bastard!" he replied.

The undead guardian's hand reached towards Zack's heart, and he screamed like a little girl.

Suddenly, the guardians retreated. One by one, they disappeared…

Xan stood, still shivering. "What happened?"

"Beats me." Zack shrugged. "But, we're alive!"

Xan tilted her head to one side. "I hear hoofbeats."

"You're crazy."

"Zack, this is no time for arguing." Xan snatched the hood of his robe and dragged him behind a tree.

A herd of My Little Ponies galloped into the clearing.

"Star Swirl! I thought I heard voices!" a cute little pony with a heart tattooed on its butt whinned.

"Shut up, Love Child!" Star Swirl, a muscular My Little Pony with a swirly star tattooed on her rump, bitch-slapped the cute pony. "This is Darken Wood! No one comes in here to speak."

"Except for the beer salesman…" a dazed-eyed pony with balloons on her butt said while drinking out of her flask.

"Yes, Ballooney…" a pony with a rainbow on its butt said, stroking her in a rather disturbing way.

"Rainbow Pride! Do you want those psychotic gully dwarves coming after us again?" Star Swirl pulled out her trusty knife and waved it around. "Keep your lesbian urges to yourself!"

"Nuitari…" Xan said, eyes wide. "It's Darken Wood's guardian herd of dysfunctional My Little Ponies!"

"Ponies!" Zack said and ran toward them. He hugged Rainbow Pride around the neck. "I… love… PONIES!"

The pony looked suddenly shocked. "A man… just… touched… me. A man… just… hugged… me. A MAN JUST HUGGED ME! EEWWW EEWWW GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!" Rainbow Pride began wildly bucking and running in circles.

Xan ran out from behind the tree. "Zack! You bloody idiot- eep."

Star Swirl held her knife to Xan's throat. "Where do you think you're going, little girl?"

"First, I'm not a girl, at least I'm not supposed to be on Krynn. I'm Dalamar Nightson."

"Then you're evil and I have to kill you."

"Um… well, actually, I'm not really evil, I just the evil guy's understudy. Check my alignment! Seriously! I'm only chaotic neutral!"

"She's right!" Love Child whinnied. Ballooney broke out the vodka and began forcing it down her throat.

"I don't care."

Just as Star Swirl was about to slit Xan's throat, Zack- still clinging to Rainbow Pride- swung around and knocked the pony aside.

"Zack! Come on!"

"I can't! I'm being swung around by a My Little Pony!"

"Let go!"

"Oh." Zack let go. His excess centripetal acceleration sent him flying, taking Xan with him.

In the middle of flying, Zack looked in the pockets of his robes. "Hey! Peanuts!" he began to eat them.

"Zack! We're flying without benefit of a fly spell or wings! What does that mean?"

"In-flight snacks?"

"No!" Xan pulled out a large chalkboard and drew a parabola. Pointing to one end, she said, "This is where the My Little Pony threw you." Pointing to the top, she said, "This is where the constant gravitational acceleration causes our y-velocity to be zero. THAT means-"

"In-flight movies?"

"NO! We're going to hit the-"

"Ooh, what's that brown flat thing?"

"GROUND!"

"I wonder if it'll be friends with me?"

----

Well, I hope you haven't all abandoned me. I'll be updating Lux et Veritas soon as well, so keep your eyes peeled!


	6. Macaroon?

Nine's Notes:

More random fun with Zack and Xan. I just want to write more because this week, I'll be seeing Alex- the inspiration for Zack- for the first time in four months!

DISCLAIMER: Monty Python isn't mine. Shame, that.

---

In the middle of Qualinesti, a blackboard was sticking out of a deep impact crater.

A random ranger came up to the crater. "Strange. This wasn't here yesterday." He looked into the crater. "Chislev and Zivilyn! Black mages!"

Zack groaned and rolled over. "Dalamar… the ground isn't very friendly…"

"They're alive!" With swiftness, he brought the flats of his blades across their heads.

"That wasn't friendly either…" Zack said, and lapsed back into unconsciousness.

---

When Xan came to, she was in a cell. Her rapier was gone, and there was no sign of Zack.

An elf came up to her cell. "How dare you trespass on our lands, dark elf?"

"Well, it's a long story, but the essence of it is that it's not my fault." Xan said. "I'm betting you won't let me go now?"

The elf glared at her, and Xan sighed.

"Well, you see, my name's Xan Johansen, and I'm the replacement Dalamar after Cher…"

---

"When I heard that the Random Ranger patrol brought you in, Raistlin, I sent for you right away." Laurana said.

"Um… thanks… I guess…" Zack said, looking around.

"Tanis was particularly interested in your return. He was just sewing a sampler, he'll be down soon." She offered him a cup. "Hot water? I remember you always needed your tea-"

"Eh, I'll pass… cough's been improving and all…" Zack reached down into the pocket of his generic khakis and pulled out a can of rootbeer. "So, where's Xan- er, I mean Dalamar?"

"Oh, he's in the dungeon. He's going to be executed- dark elf, you know. Macaroon?"

---

"That's a wonderful story and all. But I don't believe you."

"I thought so." Xan shrugged and sat down. "Could I have a chalkboard?"

"What? What terrible arcane abomination are you trying to inflict on the Qualinesti?"

"Not arcane. Physics. I'd like to review the implications of the light cone in Lorentz transformations and Einsteinian velocity transformation."

The elf looked left. The elf looked right.

"WITCH! BURN HER!"

"Wait, if I'm a witch, then I can't be Dalamar, because he's a he and he'd be a wizard. That means I'm not Dalamar, therefore I can't be a dark elf."

The elf glared at her.

"DARK ELF! BURN HIM!"

Xan sighed. This was not going as planned, and she still hadn't studied for her physics test. "The OKCA had better compensate me for this…" she muttered as she was dragged out of the cell.

---

"Wait a minute, you're going to execute Xan- er, Dalamar?"

"Yes, of course. It's the standard punishment for a dark elf returning to elven lands." Laurana said calmly. "You really must try the cucumber sandwiches. They're delectable."

"OK." Zack took one of the finger sandwiches and bit into it. "You're right, they're quite nice. But getting back to the executing-Xan thing."

"Raistlin!" Tanis exploded into the room and embraced Zack in a way that would be better described as crushing. "Where have you been for the past few years? You didn't come to my wedding, you haven't been answering my calls, we've never gotten a Christmas card-"

"GET OFF ME!" Zack freaked.

"And the private investigators all turned up dead, and the cameras I had installed in the Tower of High Sorcery all malfunctioned-"

"GGGGGGGEEEEETTTT OFFFFFF!" Zack caterwauled.

"My word. He just caterwauled." Laurana said, then went back to drinking her tea as if her husband wasn't clinging to a Black Robe.

Tanis reluctantly let go of Zack. "Why, Raistlin, why? After all of the triumphs and tribulations we shared as Heroes of the Lance, and you don't even take the time to sign your name on a piece of card and magic it here at Christmastime? Why? Why?"

Zack took another cucumber sandwich and chewed it thoughfully. "Maybe because you're a whiny brat."

"Oh." Tanis said. "My life is suddenly clearer." Then he ate a macaroon. "Since you've taken so much trouble to crash in Qualinesti and get captured to come and see us, is there anything we can do for you?"

"Yes, now that you mention it…"

---

Xan pouted as best as she could while being led around tied up in some platinum chain that was probably worth enough to pay for her tuition three times over. "This is unjust, irrational, illogical, and just plain wrong!"

"Dark elf."

"I told you, I'm not a dark elf! I'm a physics student!"

The elf paused. "Dark elf."

"Is that the only thing you can say?"

"Dark elf."

"Oh, come on. Try me. How about 'mother-fucking dark elf'? Or 'E'li-forsaken dark elf'? Or maybe just 'stupid dark elf''?" Being wrapped up in a chain and being paraded down the street was not doing wonders for Xan's temper. "Try me!"

"Dark elf."

"ARE YOU ALL IDIOTS?"

"Dark elf."

Xan seethed. "Great. Just great. I'm about to be burned at the stake, and the last conversation I get to have is with some brain-dead moron who can only say 'dark elf'!"

"Dark elf."

---

"This traitor to the elves stands accused of worshipping Nuitari, and having the audacity to return to our lands!" yet another random elf said. "And, as for such, they will be burned at the stake!"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" Zack came running up. "I, Raistlin Majere, who am obviously superior to all of you cretins, object!"

"But… it's a dark elf. You burn dark elves. It's like, required."

"How do you know she's a dark elf?" Laurana raised an eyebrow. "She doesn't have pointy ears." She then returned to eating cucumber sandwiches.

"Um… we'll have to logic it out!" Tanis said brightly. "Well… let's see. What burns?"

"Dark elf!" The elf that had led Xan to the stake said.

"Besides dark elves." Tanis said.

"Um… wood!" a slightly more intelligent elf said.

"What does wood do?" Tanis asked.

"BURN!"

"Float!" Laurana said, giving an elven child a glass of root beer with ice cream in.

"Exactly!" Tanis said. "I love you for your brains, Laurana."

"What?" Laurana said, and sipped her tea. "Oh, wait, yes, I love you too."

"What else floats?"

"A duck!" Zack exclaimed and ran off to chase after the previously mentioned animal.

"Exactly! So, if she weighs more than a duck, she isn't a dark elf!"

"Dark elf!"

"STOP!" Xan yelled.

"Quark quark?" the duck said.

"A quantum duck!" Zack ran after the duck, which was unfortunately there and not there at same time (much like Zack's brain).

"I REFUSE to die in a bad parody of a Monty Python movie!" Xan tried to stamp her foot, but she was bound by the chain.

"Then we'll just have to burn you."

"ZACK! HEEEEEELP!"

"What? What happened?" Zack looked around, completely forgetting about the quantum duck. "Xan, did you know that you're on fire?"

"Ouch, ouch, YES DAMNIT!"

"Then why aren't you doing anything about it?"

"Maybe because I'M TIED UP!"

"How'd that happen?"

"Are you insane?"

"Yes, actually."

"They've spent the last ten minutes re-creating the witch burning from Monty Python and the Holy Grail!"

"Oh. That's a really good movie." Zack said.

Xan attempted to do an anime-style fall, but she was tied up (if you'll pardon the pun). "Just get me down from here!"

"OK." Zack looked left. Zack looked right. Xan burned merrily.

"Um… Laurana, any chance you'll let her down?"

"No. More tea?"

"Um… Tanis, any chance you'll let her down?"

"No…"

"I'll send you a Christmas card…"

"Really?" Tanis' eyes lit up.

"And an anniversary card, and I'll send Gilthas birthday cards…"

"LET HER GO!" Tanis shouted.

"Dark elf…" the elf said in a disappointed manner.

Xan immediately stopped, dropped, and rolled. This left her with charred and not-quite together robes.

"DARK ELF!" the addled elf put a pair of censor boxes onto her body.

"Zack, you bastard, give me three good reasons I shouldn't cut you down where you stand-"

"One, I'm pretty. Two, Laurana won't give you any cucumber sandwiches. Three, you're wearing nothing but censor boxes."

"Ah…" Xan said, then eyed the censor boxes nervously. "Anyone want to give me clothes?"

---

"Nice to meet you Dalamar! Nice to see you Raistlin! I'll be waiting for your card!" Tanis waved cheerily as Zack and Xan walked away.

"Thank you… bye." Xan glared at the elven nation and tried to make some sense of her mangled and burned hair.

Zack dug through the picnic hamper Laurana had packed for them. "Hmm… we've got bread and butter, and cake, and cucumber sandwiches, and tea… weren't the elves nice? Much friendlier than that Ground person…"

Xan rubbed more ointment on her magically healing third-degree burns. "Yes, I was impressed with their _warm_ welcome. And I never got my rapier back."

"But they gave you such a nice new black robe!"

"It has MOTH HOLES in it!"

"Haven't you heard? Deconstructed is in…"

"This is just a shade above the censor boxes." Xan commented. "And deconstructed is silly anyhow. Why buy something that's already worn out?"

"Because it's in!" Zack protested.

"Says the one wearing generic khakis and a Duke t-shirt!"

"That's in too!"

"Right. Keep telling yourself that." Xan grabbed Zack's wrist. "Well, Tanis couldn't tell us anything. Let's go look for them in Tarsis."

"Look for who?"

"Raistlin and Dala- ah, why do I bother?" Xan sighed.

And so, our heroes continued on their search for Raistlin and Dalamar.

---

Deuce neatly packaged the cucumber sandwiches he'd confiscated from the elves and posted them back to _The Importance of Being Earnest_, where they belonged. He'd already filled in the impact crater, cleaned up the burning stake, and erased the physics formulae off of Xan's blackboard.

"Back to normal." He declared, then sat heavily on the ground, folding his two pairs of wings.

"QUARK QUARK!"

"Oh no! The quantum duck!" Deuce ran off, looking (or not looking) for the errant duck.


End file.
